It’s a Good Thing Sounders Won. Otherwise I’d Suspect Something Like This
So it’s a really good thing Sanna-Fredy-Roger scored last night. Because if they hadn’t? I was starting to imagine that the following scenario had occurred:
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Early 2009. Owner Joe Roth is having a chat with the Devil
Roth: So. Satan. Sounders FC are coming online this year. I’m thinking maybe you and I could make a deal.
Devil: What did you have in mind?
Roth: Well, you know, the usual. My soul in exchange for an eternal sports dynasty.
Devil: Pffft. Gimme a break. There’s no way you’re worth what I gave Steinbrenner.
Roth: Really? Why not?
Devil: Oh, come on. You’re Hollywood. Hollywood souls are a dime a dozen.
Roth: I don’t believe that.
Devil: Believe. You know “Titanic”? All those Oscars? You didn’t think that was due to Cameron’s talent, did you?
Roth: Whoa. No way.
Devil: Way. And how else would you explain Keanu Reeves? And “High School Musical? And the Kardashian sisters?
Roth: Wow. I had no idea.
Devil: Yeah, I’m subtle that way.
Roth: So what can you offer me instead?
Devil: Let’s see… With the current glut of both Hollywood and sports people… I can only do 2009, and I can give you… A mediocre season that will look better than it is due to an early win streak.
Roth: What? That’s it? No MLS Cup?
Devil: Sorry, dude, that’s already spoken for.
Roth: No way! There’s no way I’m giving up my soul for that.
Devil: Okay, fine. How about that, plus a trip to the playoffs, where you’ll exit in the first round?
Roth: No!!
Devil: *Sigh.* Mr. Roth, you drive a hard bargain. Okay, fine, I’ll throw in some silverware. The US Open Cup. It’s yours.
Roth: Really?
Devil: Really.
Roth: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Except… What happens after? When the year’s done?
Devil: After 2009, you become another Seattle sports team.
Roth: What does that mean, exactly? I live in LA. I don’t pay attention. That’s not bad, is it?
Devil: Oh, of course not! The Seahawks made it to the Super Bowl a few years back, didn’t they?
Roth: Oh, right! So it must be okay. All right, Mr. Satan, you have a deal. Early win streak making the year look better than it is, trip to the playoffs, and the US Open Cup. Except… There are no tricks here or anything, are there?
Devil: Oh, Mr. Roth. I’m hurt that you would ask that. You know you can count on me.
***
Thanks, Sanna, Fredy and Roger (and Kasey). I’m pretty sure you just saved Joe Roth’s soul.
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